


Fate's A Bitch Really (Yes)

by CalamityK



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Crack Fic, Fluff, Funny, Hilarious, M/M, Soulmarks, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, THISwAS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR ME TO BASTARDIZE A SOULMATE AU, This is one of those where thefirst words your woulmate says are tattooed on your body, actually a serious fic and not a crack fic at all, i mean i'm hilarous, in like, two hours, yes i included zayn because fuck you tats why, yes i just wrote it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:12:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalamityK/pseuds/CalamityK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Louis is twenty-three now, and painfully aware that “Yes.” Is quite a common response when first meeting someone. </i><br/>-----<br/>or that soulmate au where everyone has the first words their soulmate is supposed to say to them tattooed on their body</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fate's A Bitch Really (Yes)

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY  
> so i hadn't written anything in forrrreeevverrrrr and a half. So HERE YOU GO.  
> Kudos to whoever came up with the original soulmate ideas.  
> AND MY APOLOGIES FOR TAKING IT AND SHITTING ON IT WITH THIS FIC.  
> also this has NOT been beta-ed. Murder it with things i need to improve and i'll fix them eventually.
> 
> ANYWAY this one is for Hannah
> 
> [Read in russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5793176)

            Somewhere way back at the beginning of time some great cosmic entity decided that apparently there’s a specific person out there for everyone. That same cosmic entity decided after years of watching people struggle and match up with the wrong people and die before they get where they need to be, that there should be a definite way for each half to know when they’ve stumbled across the other.

Now no one knows for sure what the hell said cosmic entity was thinking when it created the soul mark system, but Louis is pretty sure it was just being an asshole, because honestly the system is ridiculous. Everyone wakes up on their eighteenth birthday with the first words their soulmate will ever speak to them etched permanently across one varying part of their body or the other. And there are all these little complicated additions to it, like it’s normally black for everyone, but the words will turn red if your soulmate dies-- whether you’ve met them or not-- and they’re blue if your soulmate hasn’t been born yet (Which, in Louis’s opinion, _creepy_ ).

For most people the system works though, it’s easy, they wake up on their eighteenth with something unique written on them, and bam usually in a few months or a year they’ve found the person meant to say it to them, they respond and that response is on the other person somewhere. Bam. Happiness.

And the tattoos really are normally unique and some of them are even awful, but the _point is_ , they’re supposed to be something hard to miss. Take Louis’s mate Niall for example, he and his soulmate Barbara met when they were nineteen at a make-your-own salad bar. Niall had woke up a year prior with “Mayonnaise?” spread neatly across his collarbone. He received plenty of ribbing for that one, but low and behold, one day a year later he’d be squeezing out an ungodly amount of mayonnaise—on a _salad_ of all things—and the really pretty girl beside him just stared at him until she had the gall to utter the fateful _Mayonnaise add question mark._ Poor, Barbara, because Niall of course couldn’t react normally and not only dropped his salad on her feet but blurted out “Well, fuck me in the ass and call me Nancy.” Luckily Barbara had that etched on her ribs where she’d been expertly covering it up. Like Louis said earlier, some soul marks are just _dreadful,_ but it’s not easy to miss your soulmate with something like that.

Except the system is flawed. Louis remembers how excited he was when he’d woken up on his own eighteenth. He’s speculated for weeks about what he’d get, something crazy like “What the fuck is an armadillo?” or something ego boosting like, “You’re hotter than the sun, mate.” Only to wake up the day before Christmas with a tiny miniscule “Yes.” across his wrist.

Louis is twenty-three now, and painfully aware that “Yes.” Is quite a common response when first meeting someone. He’s spent years in what can best be described as a parade of agonizing encounters. The first time it had happened he’d been in a Tesco desperately trying to get something off the top shelf. Short of climbing something he wasn’t going to succeed so in his frustration he’d asked a man further down the aisle for help.

“Um, Hi sir, Could you maybe help me get a box down from off top?” He’d asked.

He remembers how the man had calmly turned around and sized him up, and then glared at where Louis had been reaching and just sighed and said, “Yes.” Louis’s heart had almost stopped. Of course, nothing had sparked in the man’s face and barely a minute later his wife came round the aisle, and it really sank in that Louis was going to have one hell of a time finding his soulmate. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try. He kept his hopes up and soldiered on quite well for a while.

He didn’t really get frustrated until about a year ago. Frustrated wasn’t even the right word, he’d gotten desperate; down-right panicked. That’s when it happened. Louis was standing in line at a café waiting on whatever overly caffeinated drink he needed to get through life when a guy bumped into him in the queue. Louis went to turn and squall at the man, because he really wasn’t in the mood, when the guy’s soul mark caught his eye. Right on his wrist just like Louis’s were the words, “Excuse me, then.” written in plain print. Louis had never been one to toy with fate, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. The man blinked down at him, catching sight of Louis’s own soul mark, and said it. “Yes.” They’d literally read it right off each other’s bodies, but damned if Louis didn’t smile anyway and introduce himself to the guy; Nick it turned out. It was almost too good to be true.

It _was_ too good to be true. Louis had heard stories about the instant connection you’re supposed to have with your soulmate. Even after the words match up things are supposed to go smoothly; get easier. Things with Nick were anything but. They tried for two weeks after they met in the café. They tried really hard, but Nick was pretentious and he was obsessed with all these bands Louis had never heard of, and he’d catch himself zoning out every time Nick opened his mouth.

It all came to a boil when Louis introduced Nick to his friends. Zayn, Louis’s roommate invited them out to a club with Niall and Barbara. To celebrate Louis’s match and “finally meet the lucky bloke.” But as the night wore on the less Louis wanted to be there, he didn’t like Nick’s arm slung around him, he didn’t feel anything when they danced, and he dodged when Nick tried to kiss him. Something just felt off, and wrong and finally when they were sat at the bar getting drinks he found out why.

Nick was already tipsy and Louis was steadying him as he downed martinis when suddenly some guy who was much drunker than both of them plowed right into Nick’s stool and knocked him over. Louis scrambled and tried to get Nick off the floor but the guy was standing over him and Nick was shouting, “Bloody fucking hell you lumbering twat, watch where you’re going!” The man’s eyes got comically wide and Louis was sure a fight was going to happen when the guy just leaned down and wobbily offered Nick a hand and slurred. “Excuse me, then.”

Louis saw it the moment it registered on Nick’s face. He left the club that night with Zayn holding him up, screaming to the universe about how soulmates were bullshit and he didn’t want one.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Louis finds himself staring down at his wrist wishing his soulmark wasn’t there when Zayn shakes him out of his memories. They’re at Tesco doing the weekly grocery run and Louis is moping as usual about being forced to go out into society where another false incident may occur. Or worse where he gets to see plenty of people walking around merrily, already having found their other half.

His only consolation at being twenty-three and matchless is that Zayn is twenty-two and also matchless. So at least he still has Zayn. Though he isn’t sure why Zayn puts up with him.

Zayn opens a door in the refrigerated section and places a carton of milk in the cart Louis is holding onto, “Lou, stop thinking about it and it’ll happen eventually.”

Louis doesn’t have to ask what he means they have this conversation every time they go anywhere. “Maybe I don’t want it to happen.”

Zayn just looks at him and slowly takes the cart from Louis’s grip. “Get out of your head then, mate.”

Louis just grumbles under his breath and follows Zayn as he saunters the aisles. Zayn doesn’t understand the burden of having a common soulmark. His trails down his left arm and says, “A-are you an angel?” complete with stutter. It’s not like Zayn gets that often.

Well, actually, Louis is surprised Zayn doesn’t get that often. Angelic, godlike, all useable comparisons for Zayn’s looks. But, still, Zayn doesn’t know the struggle.

Louis bumps into him when Zayn suddenly pauses next to the canned beans. Zayn turns back and glares at Louis, “What part of ‘Get out of your head’ aren’t you hearing, Louis.”

Louis glares back at him and starts loading cans into the cart focusing on that, “It’s just a little hard not to think about it when we are the only two left of our friends that haven’t found their matches.”

Zayn completely rounds on him then letting go of the cart and Louis doesn’t look at him. He knows what’s coming, “For the love of god, Lou, we’ve been over this. It’s not like I’m going to just up and bump into my soulmate in the next few minutes and you’ll be alone forever. Even if that were probable, even if that happened, we’d still be flatmates. We’d still be friends.” Zayn pauses, “You’ll probably get matched up before me anyway.”

Louis doubts that so he just snorts, “Okay, yeah, whatever, let’s just go before we cause a scene.” He goes to grab the cart. At the Zayn time turns to grab the cart. Which results in them both knocking the cart into a stack of cans toppling them in the opposite direction.

Louis sighs as they all clatter to the ground somewhere in the aisle over, _causing a scene._ “Too late for that I guess.”

They here a muffled, “Ouch” come from the other aisle and Zayn rushes around the corner leaving Louis to follow with the cart. The last thing he needs is to be responsible for someone’s injuries because he can’t keep his head out of his ass.

Sure enough when they round the corner there’s a bloke sitting on the ground clutching his forehead, cans of peas littered about him. The space on the shelf where’d they’d been has a few can of the beans from the other aisle rolling about where they’d shoved off. It’s a scene for sure and Louis is just waiting for the workers to come running and yell at them. Zayn of course is rushing to the bloke with a worried—read guilty—look on his face and Louis just stays put beside them feeling less than care.

Of course he gets blindsided by the next bit, Zayn leans down and silently offers the dude his hand, and the guy just blinks up at him like he hadn’t realized anyone else was even there. He is just staring blankly at Zayn who waves his proffered hand around a little trying to get the guy to grab it.

Louis is almost one hundred percent certain the guy has a concussion, because he still doesn’t and just continues staring at Zayn like he’s seeing Jesus, and Zayn’s not helping at all by staring back and _not saying anything._ “For the love of pot noodles, he’s trying to help you up!”

The guy still doesn’t respond but Zayn’s head swivels toward him as he raises back up, apparently giving up on getting the concussed man out of the floor, “Louis we’re the reason he’s injured don’t be rude.”

Louis just narrows his eyes, about to say something even more rude, when the bloke finally speaks. “A-are you an angel?” He stutters out.

Actually fucking stutters. Zayn’s mouth opens like he’s going to gasp and nothing comes out. He just looks back down at the man who’s still looking up at him, and Louis is now glaring at both of them.

 _Of_ _fucking course_ , Zayn meets his soulmate right after he said he wouldn’t. Fate is a nasty bitch, and there’s no doubt in Louis’s mind that the two men in front of him are soulmates even if Zayn hasn’t responded yet.

“No, he’s not an angel, he’s an absolute twat.” Louis answers, as he reaches down and manhandles the guy into standing himself.

Zayn just blinks and whispers dazedly, “Yeah, what he said.”

Twenty minutes later in the A&E, the bloke—Liam—is showing both of them the “Yeah, what he said.” on his hip as the doctor treats his concussion.

It’s confirmed. Louis looks down at his “Yes.” again. He really hates cosmic entities.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Zayn and Liam have to wait three days before they can go on their first date, and it’s another three weeks before they get the chance to celebrate finding each other. Which basically just means grabbing Louis out of his pity party and calling up Niall and Barbara telling them to meet them all at the club.

Louis really never wants to leave his couch where he’s amassed an impressive amount of junk food wrappers and man stink. But Zayn grabs him up anyway saying that if he can’t at least pretend to be happy for them he can at least go get drunk with them. Which honestly doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all.

It’s a bad idea. Louis is sitting in the booth with Niall, watching him try to drunkenly toss olives down Barbara’s dress, while she drunkenly lets him. He’s about three drinks in when Liam and Zayn come back sweaty from making out on the dance floor and he honestly doesn’t think he’ll manage to get drunk enough tonight to enjoy being in a club full of matched people.

Zayn’s not oblivious to this fact and he pushes another drink Louis’s way. “We’re going to play a game. Cheer you up a bit, come on.”

Niall whoops, hitting Barbara square in the face with his last olive, “Let’s play truth or dare! I love that when m’drunk.” Of course he does he’s an overgrown teenager.

Barbara wipes her cheek and nods, slurring a bit, “I second that.”

Louis groans and gulps his drink, “Of course you second that, you’re _soulmates.”_

The word comes out like venom but no one in the booth even flinches. Niall just laughs, “That doesn’t mean she always agrees with me.” He says as he leans in to sloppily kiss Barbara’s cheek.

Louis wants to puke. He knows they’re not rubbing it in but still. “Okay. Okay. Fine. I’ll bite. Truth or dare?”

He looks at Zayn and Liam to see if they have any better suggestions since it was their idea. The both just shrug and nod.

He tilts back his drink and grabs another right out of Liam’s hand. “Alright I’ll go first.” He pauses looking at Liam, “Liam, truth or dare?”

Liam smiles and says “Dare.” like he’s actually doing something dangerous.

Louis has to pause a minute and think on it, alcohol barely reaching his brain, “I dare you to dance in the cages.” He points at one of the ones on the main stage, just as Zayn and Liam both shake their heads. “Aha, refusal to do it means three shots!” and maybe Louis can get into this after all. He might get drunker this way.

Liam brings back twelve shots with instructions to the bartender to keep sending them their way, so they go on. They’re about nine rounds in and Louis has refused two dares, done six shots, told one truth and dared Niall to try and kiss a stranger. Barbara cheers the loudest when he succeeds and rounds on Louis. “You’ve not been in three turns, Truth or Dare?”

Louis is really feeling the alcohol now, drinking mixed drinks still in between shots, and slurs, “Dare, and make this one damn good, I’m getting bored.”

Barbara’s eyes spark with the challenge but it’s Liam that leans over the table with mischief on his face. “I’ve got one, Louis. I dare you to,” he pauses to smile, “go up to that guy at the bar with the bad hair.” Liam pauses again and laughs like he just gave the best challenge ever.”

Louis snorts, “That’s not hard if I just got to walk up to him.”

Liam waves his hand and stops giggling, “No, no, not done. I dare you to go up to that man and ask him,” He pauses to laugh again and Louis waits impatiently. “you gotta ask, ‘ _You throwing that ass_?’”

Zayn almost collapses with laughter the same time Liam does and Niall slaps the table and starts chanting “do it” and they’re all so drunk that this seems like the best dare yet. Louis isn’t one to back down from the challenge.

He sways as he steps out of the booth and stands, grabbing another drink to carry with him, “Alright mates, prepare to watch the Tommo in action.”

He turns and surveys the bar, trying to pick out the dude with the bad hair Liam was talking about. He doesn’t see anyone that qualifies as having _good_ hair, there’s a few dudes with lopsided quiffs, one dude with long curly hair that looks like it needs a wash, and an older dude with an obvious comb over. Louis doesn’t really want to know about any of their asses, and he kind of wishes he could see their faces.

He’s really not sure which one Liam meant so he decides to just pick one and starts making his way towards the curly one. He looks safest. Louis splashes his drink on a few people but he eventually comes right up behind the bloke and steels himself to win this dare.

He smiles and puts a hand on Curly’s shoulder, not giving the man time to turn around, he quickly leans into his ear and whispers, “You throwing that ass?”

He stumbles back and turns towards the booth to crow a victory and bolt, when there’s a hand on his shoulder and a face in his ear, and he turns to see bright green eyes and pink lips and an attractive smile as curly holds him in place. He opens his mouth to apologize to the face inches from his own, but before he can there are lips pressed against his and a hand in his hair and he’s drunkenly snogging someone he doesn’t know. And damn him if it isn’t the best kiss of his life. Fireworks are exploding in his skull, and birds are singing somewhere and all those good cliché movie things are happening, and that’s how Louis knows he’s drunk off his nut.

When they break apart Louis is dazed and he feels about as drunk and stupid as he is. He expects Curly to turn back around. Actually he doesn’t know what he expects because his brian isn’t working, but he doesn’t expect him to lean back down into Louis’s ear.

He doesn’t say anything at first, and Louis opens his mouth again to say something, anything. Then he feels Curly smile against his cheek, and his breath ghosts over Louis’s ear as he answers the question with the most fated thing in Louis’s universe.

“Yes.”

Louis faints.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

When he comes to he doesn’t know where he is for a second, when noise and music burst back into his ears and Niall’s face hovers in his vision. He’s poking Louis’s cheek and Louis quickly smacks his hand away and sits up. Well, leans over, because it turns out he’s already sitting. He’s back in the booth being supported by someone. He blinks a couple times before his vision completely un-blurs, and he sees all four of his friends are squished into the booth across from him staring at him expectantly.

He’s still drunk and it takes his brain a good moment to replay what happened before he’s jerking his head to look at the person beside him. Sure enough he’s being held up by none other than Curly Lip-Locker. He feels briefly like fainting again, and he sways into the table.

He leans all the way onto it, Curly letting go of him, and smushes his face into the tabletop; groaning as he remembers the deep voice whispering “Yes.” in his ear. “No, no , no,” he counters it aloud, “not again. Can’t do another false one. No.”

He rubs his face even harder into the dirty table as he feels a hand dart across the table to jerk his head up. Zayn’s brings Louis up to eye level as he leans over the table. “You found your bloody soulmate, Louis.”

Louis darts straight up at that. Slamming into the booth-back with enough force to make him dizzy. All his friends are just smiling at him, and Curly is just looking at him expectantly. No one around them is paying any attention so at least he didn’t draw a crowd by passing out.

Curly puts his hand on Louis’s forearm turning the “Yes.” On his wrist into view and Louis jerks it away. “H-harry.” He stutters and Louis just looks at him. “I’m Harry.”

Harry doesn’t try to grab Louis’s arm again but he points at his wrist before starting unbuttoning his own shirt. Louis almost tells him to stop before he sees what Harry is doing.

He’s showing Louis his own soulmark. Right in the middle of his abdomen, stretching above his abs in a neat scrawl are the words, “You throwing that ass?”

Louis laughs. He doesn’t have a better reaction to that really. “Of course my bloody soulmate has one of the worst pickup lines I’ve ever uttered on his stomach. Fate is hilarious.”

Harry laughs with him and grabs Louis’s wrist again and Louis lets him. He pulls it up to his mouth and kisses the word there. “Fate’s a bitch really. Imagine how I felt when I first got that. Couldn’t show any of my friends without getting hell.” He paused and smiled, “I would wish I had something simple like yours but then we might not have known would we.”

Louis smiles at that, “Simple can be much worse.” Harry has no idea.

Harry smiles back and Louis just pulls him back down for another kiss, a proper one. The fireworks start right back up as his brain whispers _soulmate._

Liam snorts in the background and says, “All because I dared him to hit on the dude with a comb-over. Fate sure has a sense of humor.”

For once, Louis is glad it does.

 

Fin.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yo. Yo. Yo. That was shit right? I need to shake the rust off my writing. 
> 
> Yell at me over at [Bumstagram](http://bumstagram.tumblr.com/)


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